I posted some more into that Youtube comments sections thread, and as much as it feels relieving by recording my loathing, knowing that it can be heard, I wish I could make something of it all, of all this malice I feel towards broad swaths of humanity, and not in a fedpost way, I wish I could make something constructive with it, not just what I type out but the hatred and anger I feel every day, with the salt of my tears, cleanse myself of this constant pain
FUCK this practically reads like VoDKa’s diary
I have a intermittent mantra-like tendency that bothers me with how unproductive it is. I just start saying a bunch of things that cryptically reflect buried anger or lust with influence from low-brow internet humor even long after I stop finding it funny. But I am grateful that this is something i can study and maybe in the future I can manipulate it into a mechanism for writing poetry. Presumably angry or horny poetry. I don’t know if that helps you any, it sucks not to have traction on a problem like this.
Using anger as a fuel feels weird to me because it’s more like you use the excitement in your body as a fuel and the anger is just a related thing in your head. Even if it disappears the motivation/stress in my body sticks around, until I either stretch my body out (I think this mixes new blood into the tainted blood) or take some nicotine.
I try to stress myself out in the mornings so that it’s mostly out of my blood by bedtime.
Getting out in person will always yield more of a reward than posting online. Both have their time and place, but if you’re missing out on that in person interaction you’re going to feel very isolated.
Even if you don’t have people near you that share your values, you can still get started building something, or saving up to move somewhere where there are more people with your values.
Take up some constructive avocation. You will yearns to be exerted in some real way, to be inflicted on the world materially. I do woodworking, play music, build amplifiers, minor orcharding. There is nothing special about these things and I am not even particularly good at them but I have been much, much happier as a person since my non-work life has been consumed with these constructive tasks. Could just be my breeding though. The most crucial ingredient is to have the spatial and temporal room in which to play.
I’m pretty happy with my writing and digital art, it’s jsut hard to ignore the retards in any case tho, especially when they dominate the kind of fields I’m working in