Been thinking a lot about Michael Jackson.
Michael’s father used to beat him, and this turned him into a deranged pedophile.
When you’re a sensitive person and your parent verbally abuses you, it creates a trauma.
Can you imagine your parent, the most important person in the world to you, physically beating you? The concept breaks my heart.
I feel like that’s what destroys empathy: your love is literally meaningless.
And a lot of narcissists, what they’re searching for is something analogous to that parental love they never received.
This is such an amazing performance. It’s crazy that this guy was already sexually abusing kids, because really he doesn’t look like a bad person at all.
I often dream about having a breakout moment like this.
If you’re into stuff like this, you’re far more likely to be gay, because being gay means that there’s something wrong with the way that you perceive objects.
So that’s why gays find me hot
That’s a really profound insight. I never really thought of things in this way but I think you are right.
I have narcissist family members, and one thing that really sticks out is that they don’t want to care about other people. It’s more than just that they “can’t” feel the feeling - it’s that they feel much better off without it, and they might even think the world entirely would be better off without it.
Returning to this thread. I’m realizing that when a man is rude I tend to see him as absent minded but when a woman is rude I tend to see her as cowardly. Going deeper into my perceptions, women will do everything not to die and men will willingly die for sex. If women are objectified into sex toys then men are objectified into being landmines. Everyone wants a sex toy but nobody wants to step on a landmine. It is better to wanted and discarded then never wanted at all. Ultimately when I imagine a man I see a face that is inviting yet vulnerable but with a woman I imagine a face that is vulnerable yet distant. It’s normal for me to like men and I’m not punished for liking men but I would like to not be so annoyed by trivial things such as rudeness.
I’ve never encountered conditionality of women because I’m one myself. I’m not even sure if it’s true? I know a gold diggers will objectify men into wallets because she feels she is owed money for her looks, maybe low body count and most importantly because she thinks men are the conditional ones. A mother is conditional to provide for her child. However I don’t think a mentally healthy childless woman is conditional.
To me, cowardice is really the core of my ick. Distance is a wall, a wall is a mask and a mask is insulting inauthentic. If she could astral project herself into a new body she would. It’s ironic the one crying about wanting to be seen as a person won’t show her personhood at all and the whole thing feels like a hurtful scam.
I heard a man complain that if he hires a stripper she better be drop dead gorgeous however the woman he ended up dating wasn’t very attractive but he earnestly treats her like she is. This suggests the whole situation isn’t really about looks. At first, it maybe sounds like he sees the stripper as a conditional or dangerous being but I believe he really imagined that all strippers wear masks. The inauthenticity is terrifying. If your soul wasn’t present, what keeps your promises valid? Even the professional promises of confidentiality feel broken because a soulless husk agreed to it. This means there is a dangerous presence, but it didn’t come from internal insecurities or delusions but rather a visible yet triggering cue of danger.
The stripper needing to be drop dead gorgeous felt like every shallow narcissistic demand. You need to be hot or provide money to make up for a lack of something, that something could very well be a mask/absence of self and just like a typical narcissistic demand, doing all the demands still isn’t enough and is never really satisfactory. Honestly maybe narcissists default to seeing everyone in masks so their reactions make sense but are static between all interactions due to an inability to notice when a mask is off.
Been thinking about ‘comfort keys.’
Think about someone with defensive detachment. Perhaps this person is a narcissist or closeted pervert.
Well, this person will be closed off, they will detach and conceal themselves. But if certain conditions are met, then they will share their true selves.
So determining what factors make someone come out of their shell tells you a lot about their personality.
What are the examples? What keys reveal what personalities?
Lol just kidding a man just triggered me for the same “cowardice” reasons. I think him being an authority figure helped me think more concretely this time. He triggered me and I immediately thought “Fuck you, you’re like every adult in my life who never believed I was abused and would send me back to them!”
So that explains it. I see an amount of optimism in someone that feels so pronounced it felt more like denialism. It wasn’t that they werent authentic (though that isnt particularly appealing either) it’s that they felt familiarly dismissive. The cowardice ick I felt was a fear they’re someone who could never believe me. (Anyone, even a coward who can believe me is endearing.) Not only do they insult me with denialism but they insult me with their neurosis/inability to cope with harshness. I’m not even mad they’re not suffering; I’m mad that they are. You people put me through the wringer and now you’re crying? Why can’t you numb out like I can? Anyone can realize life sucks and turn it into a sport. You can optimize anything. 90% of your life could be carefree if you were like me. You are all ice people melting in my lava home. Can’t you leave or turn into stone before you melt? I feel somehow they’ll attack or blame me instead.
I don’t even hate people softer than me. Maybe I sound like a boomer crying how life isn’t fair, but I’m not taking it out on a kid or my spouse or anyone close to me and I hate when other people do. If they were numb they wouldn’t be taking out on their nearest and dearest.
I think people like us benefit from Bhuddism
I don’t really like Buddhism. I feel like the meditation aspect of it is more about turning your brain off so that you can obey. Same with Christian prayer. Ever notice that? How religions always demand that you clear your mind?
Turning your brain off seems like the most allistic thing you could possibly do.
You might not expect it - but I am mostly in agreement with the criticism of meditation. That is my least-like aspect.
A real Bhuddist would not accept Bhuddism minus meditation. Meditation is considered “doing the work” of self-improvement towards enlightenment. It’s essential - it’s training or weightlifting for the will.
Still, as much as it might accomplish that, I tend to think that the more important parts of Bhuddism are the philosophical parts. I tend to think that even meditation is impossible without the philosophies, and that the philosophies really do the heavy-lifting.
What parts? I remember I used to tell people I was meditating because I’d close my eyes and think about a bunch of stuff in private.
why are posts here not dated..
anyways, ive never really enjoyed hugging that much. i mean i never minded it either.. but its just a gesture.. right? or am i missing something
like. when i really want to hug someone its bc i want them to feel loved but thats somewhat infrequently
what about this. have you ever wanted desperately to kiss a persons face all over? zero horny
Never had that urge
The posts are dated on the sidebar.
It’s nice to meet you. Where did you find our website?
sdn.
i didnt choose this pic.. its from over 10 years ago when some other website asked for a gravitar and ig my email is in the system.
i had read about a particularly atrocious murder and in searching it found an art piece… i cant even remember what it was but that some chick got stabbed like a hundred times on the sidewalk.
i think i chose this picture, back then, bc it was some of the darkest heavy metal shit id ever heard of.
it just looked kinda cool. reminds me of the reality of the world we live in. too lazy to change it
oh i think id literally just searched ‘black dahlia’
its just bizarre. like.. why tho
So I’ve been thinking about why getting molested is so traumatic, and I think I found the answer: your private parts are the most quintessentially ‘YOU.’
Gonna refer back to George Zipf.
Zipf says: all systems are highly economical.
Also: trauma is a matter of economics.
In Chapter 7 of Human Behavior, Zipf explains our categorization of experience follows the path of least resistance. For example, when someone debunks your cherished beliefs, you experience cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance prevents you from having to go back and revise your semantic system.
Well, trauma, Zipf says, is when we experience a contradiction in our most general categories. If mommy = caregiver, and mommy hits us, then that category becomes extremely confusing. And so what a child’s mind will do is merely suppress the contradiction. This prevents the child, with its limited mind, from engaging with the absurd.
And what happens is that these repressed contradictions come out later via disordered thinking. Kleptomania, cutting, Cluster B, etc.
I used this theory to explain why trauma becomes eroticized: behaviors like homosexuality, cougarism, masochism, furryism, and so forth. Think about it like this:
Our lives are a kind of system. And this system replicates itself via sex, and in this way sex is really the true purpose of our existence. Our personality, our intelligence, our social life – all of these economize the process of reproduction.
We cannot just have sex, because then we will run out of energy. So we must acquire resources (food, drink, sunlight, etc) and perform this resource-gathering in the most economical manner possible. And so you get tools, shelter, money, a society.
But ultimately, we are a ‘system of sex.’ And our habits, our talents, our enjoyment – these are merely the means, not the ends.
When we want something, this want normally has some specificity. For example, when we want something to eat, we feel hunger, which contextualizes our want. Well, when your wants are repressed, they lack specificity. They are out of context.
Well, lust is a want which is unspecific. When we are hot in the middle of intercourse, we go from thinking strategically to thinking about boobies. Focus blurs, the world disappears, and speech becomes aimless, almost schizophrenic. Lust is just “I want that! I want that! I want that!” It’s a state of disorganization. And this process ends when you come – a state of total collapse in which your mind is scrambled and out of service.
So:
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Something triggers a repressed want. Ex: being around intimidating men, or masculine situations.
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The want is expressed without specificity. Ex: wanting to be a masculine guy becomes getting turned on by the kind of guy who you want to be.
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Homosexual lifestyle.
And this explains why Nicolosi’s therapy works: by getting the client to explore his formative experiences, the wants are contextualized, and thus lose their sexual appeal. And this is why I started to lose interest in older women. I probably wanted my mom to stop attacking me and nurture me instead, but that want was suppressed, and later came out when ladies would say kind things to me.
Now, let’s talk about getting molested. So getting touched in a sexual area obviously affects our general categories – things like love, boundaries, individuality, self-worth. But traumas in this area are particularly damaging, because they affect the most general categories of all.
Again, we are a system of sex. So if a human is like an onion, then sex is its innermost layer. The mind, the personality, the lifestyle – these are all in service of those parts which comprise the sexual layer. The penis, vagina, mouth, tongue, breasts.
And so violations in any of these areas weave contradictions into your very essence. Which is why casual sex leaves one feeling “empty,” why victims of child molesters report feeling “annihilated” by the experience.
You can disrespect man to his face, but you may never “disrespect” his genitals.
I believe the schizoid way is to eliminate wants and wanting. Sexuality requires you to want things but they can’t so they turn asexual. Suppression turns into displacement. When you suppress the want to be nurtured by your mother it’s displaced to any other mother-adjacent figure. However when a schizoid eliminates a want it disappears.
I think of molestation as a kind of theft and theft is inherently upsetting. Especially theft of value. I think for the most part it steals your agency, the internal ability to choose but when external forces choose for you it takes that away. An emptiness because a chunk of your sense of self has been stolen. There’s also the humiliation of being overpowered. Which I think steals the reputation of of your agency. Not only has your agency been stolen and your self destroyed but your reputation also means others will recognize you as without it. Existentially speaking, if you are a being without agency then you are a being that cannot consent. Which is an existentially shitty way to live.
I think I failed my transformation. I should’ve killed all my wants except my agency. I’m too (yet completely naturally) selective. Theft only happens if you put a price (selectively) on it. If I was open about it I think I could live without concern. I would never willingly give up my agency but if I preemptively gave everyone permission I could at least store my agency in an untouchable box. I think such a decision would also require me to be an aromantic loner.
Think back to the reputation thing. In the novel No Longer Human his sanguine girlfriend gets raped and she loses all sanguinity afterwards and because the protagonist depended on her sanguinity (and also just cared for her) he’s just as broken as she is. Once your personality changes everyone around you knows your agency is gone. It’s not enough to lie about what happens to you; you really have to become invulnerable.
@Zenitsu I think this guy has the most accurate view of NPD.
